My Honest Dating Profile.

Online dating.  I’ve done it, you may have done it, my friends have done it. A lot of people do it.

In this day in age, my generation (Millenials) are cracking open their laptops to look for love.  Hidden behind their screens within their homes (or in cafes, if they’re bold and slightly hipster), they detail their lives as best as they can to highlight their best attributes and qualities without looking *totally* into themselves – but many of us who have dated online know that sometimes you do run into those people who love to talk about themselves in grave detail.

Anyway, online dating is a lot like dating in real life (or dating once you get to meet these people you’re talking to online).  You attempt to make the best impression as possible when both of you know eventually you’ll start to see the real parts of each other.  The not-so-awesome things.  The things that might make your skin crawl.

If I actually was Emma Watson, I’d just date myself (girl crush).

I’m not on any online dating sites anymore, but if I were, I might throw up a painfully real dating profile for kicks and giggles.  I’ll still probably get messages from the creepers who mass-message every girl with the same “hey wutsup u r cute.” message.  Whatever.

If I did make a real and honest dating profile,  It’d probably look something like this:

My Self-Summary
– Type-A personality with OCD tendencies.
– Patience is not a strong suit and never has been.  Also kind of pushy.
– Extremely giving in nature but will have a meltdown if I not given at least half back of what is given.
– Has a meltdown problem (temper).
– Needs attention and praise regularly (to be somewhat fair, will give the same…I think)
– Honest to a fault “That outfit is hideous. Please change.”
– Has the ability to be funny and witty but usually only uses it to insult.
– Loves to get out and go on adventures (death to you if you don’t.  What’s wrong with you, homebody?!)

What I’m doing with my life
– Eating meals for one while watching whatever Netflix show I’ve become obsessed with (currently: ST:TNG and Mad Men) — and being more excited about it than human interaction.
– Facebook stalking everyone I hated in high school to see how much better they’re doing with their life and hating them even more because of it.
– Hating my job
– Going to class. I’m 25 and still in college.
– Half-assed workouts.

I’m Really good at
– Half-assed workouts.
– Judging people right off the bat.
– Judging people I already know.
– Cooking. Seriously, someone please eat my food…and then tell me you love it.
– Drinking caffeine.  You don’t want to see me without it (please take note I want you to make me coffee before I wake up. kthxbai)

The first things people usually notice about me
– That my workouts are probably half-assed
– That I look like a bitch.  I have what they call a BRF (bitchy resting face).  I can’t help it.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
When I was in high school and wanted to be impressive like my sister, I read all the “classics” but I can’t remember how most of them go.  Most of the books I read now are “Young Adult” books that my friends push on me and contain some unrealistic love story that I will constantly compare ours to.

Same goes for movies. “God! Why can’t you sparkle for me like Edward?!  Why can’t you carry me up a mountain shirtless like Jacob!?! What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

Same goes for tv shows. “Can you please just say and do EVERYTHING perfectly like Jim Halpert?! IS IT THAT HARD?!”

I like almost everything when it comes to music but I’ll probably hate your taste somehow. It always happens.

I love food. It loves me. We work.  If you want to join this relationship, then I suggest you love food as much as me.  And tell me how much you love it from me.

Six things i could never do without
– Caffeine
– Pre hard-boiled and skinned eggs (I’m too lazy to do it myself).
– Unrealistic characters in books/movies/tv shows that I will compare every man to.
– My cell phone so I can take insane amounts of pictures of my dogs and food to post to instagram (Yep, I’m one of THOSE people.)
– Dogs
– The three friends I still keep in actual face-to-face contact with.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
– What I’m going to eat
– Why I’m still single
– If I’m going to ever get married and have a kid before I’m too old and crotchety to obsess over a giant wedding and actually bear children.

On a typical friday night I am
– probably watching crappy reality TV or Pride and Prejudice for the 500th time.  Sometimes I go out. Sometimes.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I actually consider getting a hello kitty or my little pony tattoo

I’m looking for
guys who like girls (and only girls…It’s hard enough competing with all the females, I’d hate to be competing with women AND men).
ages 21(can you drink?) – 35 (Really pushing it. I don’t want a potentially old father of my kids no more than I want to be an old mom)
near me (I’ve watched too much Catfish to do an LDR)
who are single (and please be over your ex)
for long-term dating/relationship (who wants to date just short term?  Does that mean like a friends-with-benefits situation?  Who puts only looking for new friends?  This is a dating website. I’m already confused.)

You should message me if…
– You like dogs (seriously, no exceptions)
– You like food (if you aren’t an idiot,  you probably gathered that from this profile)
– You like tattoos
– You’re nerdy, but not I-stay-inside-all-day-to-play-world-of-warcraft nerdy. or i-can-speak-elvish-or-klingon-fluently nerdy.
– You’re nice and sweet but not so much I want to throw up
– You can handle constant sarcasm, frequent cynicism and jokes at your expense (It really means I like you though, I swear!).

* I should also mention that my picture would be me with my hair up with no makeup on and sweats/yoga pants.  Because that’s pretty much what I live like these days.

What do you guys think?  I should be beating off the messages with a stick with this, right?!?

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4 thoughts on “My Honest Dating Profile.

  1. Hahahahaha ohh man this was so good. I’ve never done online dating, and the thought sort of freaks me out, but I don’t even know what I would put in my profile. I think if I found one like this I would for SURE want to talk to you..or at least be your friend.

  2. Pingback: What’s up, B.uttercup? | This One B.

  3. Pingback: I may be neurotic, but at least I have a sense of humor! | This One B.

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