Inside the Women’s Fitting Room

Sometimes, fitting rooms can be the most interesting places.  At least in my experiences.

See, fitting rooms are generally quiet unless there’s some crazy sale going on and there’s a bunch of women trying clothes on in a frenzy.  And when they’re quiet, you can hear everything everyone is doing down the line.  I mean, I understand some people talk to themselves and forget they’re in a public place but some people either really don’t know how weird they’re being or they simply don’t care.

I’ve categorized fitting room users into a few groups (please note, any of these can be grouped with another):

The noisemakers.  These are the people who grunt and groan every time they attempt to hoist a pair of pants up or squeeze into a dress.  These are the same ones left panting and exhaling loudly once they’ve gotten on whatever garment they’re trying on or they’ve given up trying.  There’s usually some extraneous groans once they look at themselves in the mirror, contorting their body around in weird ways to see the end result. The noises start back up when they try to take the clothes off again.

She’s probably a noisemaker.

The self-loathers.  Self-loathers might also be noisemakers, but they almost always look in the mirror to tell themselves how fat they’ve gotten, how big their gut is, or how flabby their arms are.  They might mention how depressing shopping is or express their hatred for it. 8 times out of 10, the self-loathers are the ones who when the attendant walks by to see if they need another size they say “Ugh. Yeah…I need to up one size bigger to a 4.” Skinny bitches.

The mutes.  These are the people so silent and still you wonder if they’re just sitting in there taking a nap. I mean, really. This is a fitting room. You’re trying on clothes.  There’s no way you can be completely silent.  Not even a drop of a skirt or unbuttoning of pants or sound of putting a shirt on over their head. Nothing.  Did you overdose on Ambien?  Did you pass out?  Do we need to call medical personnel??

The mumblers.  You can hear them rambling on to themselves but you can’t make out what they’re saying, if they’re talking to anyone, or if they realize you can hear their mumbling.  You try to stop to hear what they’re saying but then you feel as if they’ll be able to detect your sudden muteness the minute clothes stop rustling.

Last weekend while shopping at Macy’s, the lady a few doors down from me was on a whole different noisemaker level.  I mean, when I first walked in, it sounded like she was “getting some”.  Obviously, after realizing there was nobody in the room with her I thought…oh my god. Is she…is she doing it alone?!? I’m sure the horror shown on my face.  It wasn’t until she opened the door and walked down the hall panting “alright…*exhale*…alright…*exhale*.” that I realized she was just a noisemaker who made some exceptionally erotic sounding noises when she tried on clothes.

After I was done with the first round of clothes to try on, I returned to what I thought was an empty fitting room.  After a few seconds I heard a girl mumbling in the room next to me.  I stopped for a second to hear what she was saying.  She was having a conversation with herself.  Like a motivational conversation.  I just imagined her staring into the mirror with a determined look on her face while she spoke.  “You’re a good person.  Your dad stole. Your mom stole.  You don’t.”  I wondered to myself if she was trying to talk herself out of shoplifting or if she just felt like telling herself she made it without doing so.  Either way it was weird.  I’m pretty sure she was the girl that just earlier said she liked my outfit.  I felt good about it until I overheard her tell some other ladies they were beautiful.  I had a good outfit, but they were beautiful?! Pssh. Either she was just trying to be nice or she was just crazy. I’m cynical so I call “crazy”.  Yeah, I’m probably going to hell like her mom and dad.

There’s a lot of different types of people out there.  If you’re ever in need of an experience, just spend some time in the fitting room of a Macy’s.

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