He Loves Me, I Love Him Not. I Love Him, He Loves Me Not.
Remember when you were a kid, and you’d pick up the flower, pull of the petals and say “he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.”? Whichever saying you had at the last petal was whether or not “he”, whoever that was, loved you or not. I loved doing that because at any given time growing up, there was always someone on my mind.
I have admired boys from the get-go, and I’ve always been a flirt. I’ve liked men both as crushes and companions, boyfriends and best friends. My first crush was before I even entered elementary school (Tony Danza. Hubba, hubba). And I had multiple crushes all the time. I even had a keychain on my backpack when I was a kid that said “If it weren’t for boys, I’d quit school!”
Something was laid out very clear when I was in the early years of elementary school about me: I love the chase, hardly ever love the reward.
I spent most of my recesses in kindergarten – 2nd grade, chasing boys. I would chase them and chase them all over the playfield until I caught them. Once I caught them, there was no other option other than to let them go. Simple as that. The only problem is once you get older it’s not as simple and it’s actually very frustrating to be this way.
When I was in the first grade there is a boy named Jason that all the girls (including myself) had proclaimed a crush on. He sat next to me in class and I ended up paying a lot of attention to him and flirting with him as much as a first grader can. Somehow he ended up with my phone number (I honestly to this day have NO idea what first graders were doing calling each other), and asking if I would play basketball with him outside of school. Then he asked if I could come over to house to play. I agreed, liking the fact I had a new buddy (I was a very social kid).
A few weeks after our new friendship began, a girl in my class came up to me and said “Jason said you’re his girlfriend!!!”.
I’m not kidding you when I say I freaked the hell out. I immediately yelled back “EWWW. NOOOO.” Even though I had a crush on him, too. It freaked me out and grossed me out and I was so over Jason.
Things like this continued to happen throughout my elementary school and even into middle school. I’d have a crush, until they showed interest, then I’d freak out and run away. Eventually in high school I started to get over this (SORT of, most of my boyfriends attended other schools where I didn’t have to see them as much). Now that I’m older I feel like I’m constantly walking this line of being upset that I’m baiting (or chasing) and not getting a catch and getting catches and wanting to throw them back in. No one is ever the right match for me and I’m never the right match for anyone. It’s so frustrating!
The reason I’m bringing this all up is because of the weekend I had.
First, I stuck my neck out and did something I *never* do, which was ask out a guy whom I thought was out of my league. He said no, which was a bummer, but I’m actually not as upset as I thought I’d be. Maybe because there wasn’t any time invested (other than the last three years crushing on him) but a bummer none-the-less. I can’t stand losing!
Second, I went out with dude from last week. I was hoping his awkwardness last weekend was due to nerves and shyness but now I think he’s just awkward. It’s such a bummer because he’s nice, and yes, he’s into me, but I am not into him. I have a habit of leading people on so I’m going to try and cut this asap to avoid sending a mixed message.
Third, I heard about someone who I didn’t feel like hearing about today. I chased him, got him, was happy with him, but then freaked out, and let him loose. He wasn’t up for chasing again. They say if you love something, let it go, and if it was meant to be it will come back? Well, it’s not meant to be. I’m actually more upset with how he handled some things, but I won’t get into that now.
All I’m saying is, not finding the right person time and time again sucks. It really does. I’m so tired with chasing and then freaking out once I have what I’ve been chasing and I’m also tired of wading through a bunch I don’t need. It’s like it’s never going to end.
That being said, I have a new date next weekend. Seriously, WHAT am I doing?!