All About B.: Wanna Fight?

Everyone has two sides to them. Unless your Sheldon Cooper, you’re most likely not going to be completely black and white on every subject. Despite hating gray so much, I am also no exception to this. Among friends, family and coworkers — I usually try to keep peace. When it comes to watching other people that I love, I always want to try help them find a middle ground, give them the other perspective, and at least persuade them agree to disagree, hug and makeup.

So why is it that in my romantic relationships, I crave conflict?

Let me start by giving you some B. background.  While I have a big heart, a tendency to be giving and an ability to empathize with the best of them. However, there’s another side of me that can be very cold, cutting and attracted to pushing all the wrong buttons.  I’ve been told by many that I have a quick wit.  It helps me make people laugh – which is something I really love to do, but it also helps me cut a person down quicker than you can say “what a B.!”

In addition to the lovely faults I just gave you, I am also very assertive, hardworking, straightforward and honest.  I have a strong personality which is why my mom has always said “God help the man that marries you.  He’s not going to be able to have a spine.”

The hell he won’t.

Talking to someone I used to date (who is now just a good friend) the other day, he shed some light on me that I had never realized before.  He said that I needed conflict.  I needed someone to stand up for themselves.  I need someone who could put me in my place. Tame the shrew, so to speak.  He was absolutely right.

Am I crazy to need conflict in my relationships? Am I crazy that without it, I get bored?  Wouldn’t needing someone with a strong personality just mean an explosive relationship? It’s no doubt that I’ve had my share of explosive relationships but looking back, those were the ones I was most committed to, despite the ups and downs. Then I remembered something important.  My first heartbreak! Remember him? I told you I’d get back to him, didn’t I?

Long story short: We ended up being friends in high school – very close friends.  We were practically attached at the hip during school and after school.  We never officially dated but despite that, whenever I’m asked who my first love is – he’s there.  Our relationship evokes so many good memories and visions of how I want the person I spend the rest of my life to be with.  Sure, we had conflict. All the time! But in no way was it unhealthy or turbulent. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s how we got along so well.  We bickered constantly, raised our voices and got called the old married couple by all of our friends.  But it was in jest. In fun. We loved it and it was humor to us instead of headache.

What it boils down to is that wit I was talking about earlier.  I need someone who can keep up with my humor, sarcasm and wit.  Someone who can banter.  Someone to keep me entertained now and when I get into my old age.  The only reason my explosive relationships were explosive is that the sense of humor was not there — they were offended by my jokes (which in reality — if I joke about you to your face, it’s a GOOD sign) or I got irritated by their sensitivity so I just pushed the buttons more.  Being addicted to conflict does not always mean the bad kind.  Not at all.  And just because I’m a “Power-Bitch” or an “Alpha-Female”, a “Type-A” or anything else I’ve been called — doesn’t mean I have to end up with someone who will bend over backwards for me who just takes what I have to say without throwing it back at me — all because they fear me.  Where’s the fire in that? Where’s the fun? Challenge me, damnit!

I know most of you think it’s God-Awful, but one of my guilty pleasures are the Housewives series by Bravo.  Beverly Hills is probably my favorite group. One of the wives (Adrienne), and her husband (Paul) remind me exactly of how me and Mr. first heartbreak/first love and I were and what ultimately, I’ll need to have. I even gave you a clip to show you what I’m talking about!

The point is – I know as crazy as it sounds – it’s really not that crazy.  I like another take-charge personality.  I like someone to compliment me, not drown in my personality.  Someone who can keep up.  So if you’re like me, I feel you!

And sorry MOM, but the man who marries me is going to be awesome, not spineless.  I don’t pick no pansies!

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4 thoughts on “All About B.: Wanna Fight?

  1. I’m late to the party! I don’t think it’s crazy at all, B. I always say that a guy sometimes needs to take charge. Not because he has to defend his lady from the crazy world, not because he’s an alpha douchebag…but just because sometime it’s nice not having to think about where you’re going to go on your date, or what you’re having for dinner… You’ll be at your wits end within a week. I give you credit for sticking it out, but that kind of thing isn’t a relationship…it’s owning a pet.

    We evolved with spines so we can maintain our shape and stand with our heads held high, dammit. We shouldn’t be so quick to duck and cover. I don’t think it’s a matter of wanting to argue or fight, but I think both you and I get really pissed when people aren’t being themselves, and we can sense it. Like “Okay, I know you don’t ACTUALLY want to go dress shopping, so WTF do you actually WANT to do!?” And if they can’t come up with a reasonable reaction, then where’s their head at? It’s a hateful thing to lose your own personality, but it’s even worse to watch it happen in someone you care about. And then on top of that wonder if you’re the cause? C’mon, that’s GUILT on top of it!

    Ahem…anyway. Yeah. So I agree with you. Also…note to self: When bringing flowers to B, don’t pick pansies. What do you think? Siamese fighting fish in a ziploc? 🙂 Hope you’re doing great!

    • It’s not even about picking where to go or what to do – it’s just about keeping things interesting, fun, entertaining etc. in a mental way. While we all swoon over it in the movies, the constant sweet, lovey-dovey stuff bores me and sometimes makes me feel a little sick. I need a best friend and someone who can bust balls as well as I can. (but there’s a little bit of “putting me in my place” that’s kind of a turn on, too. Maybe because I’m constantly putting other people in theirs? I don’t know..)

      No pansies…but betta fish for sure! There’s a reason I’m getting a tattoo of one….

      • I think that’s more of like…you don’t want a timid guy. Maybe you just prefer somebody who is a bit more aggressive mentally but creative at the same time. You want someone to hone your razor sharp wit, not dull it. I get that. I think those traits do translate well to being a good lover too. Least that’s been my experience, so it’s not surprising that it my tickle your fancy.

        I kind of thing that the putting you in your place thing touches on a dominance and submission thing, but we’ll keep this PG13, shall we?

        Can’t wait to see the pic when you get the tat!

      • I guess it does go into dominance/submission but when nothing extreme is involved you never think about it. But I’ll stop there — PG13 here…

        The tat probably won’t come along for a while but I’ll for sure take a picture when I do! The girl who did my first tattoo is a betta lover and seemed delighted that I had a betta fish on my mind. Even before I left she had seemed to nail down in words what I wanted. “Betta fish but more…whimsical?” Yes please!

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