If I Was Your…Girlfriend.

As I’ve mentioned time and time again within the last six months — I’m not exactly sure if I want a boyfriend.  OK – maybe I want one and needing one is a different story.  I’m torn, really.  I want one but I know I’m not ready for one.  I’m in a crazy, unsettled place in life that I’m not entirely happy with and I’m not entirely happy with myself. I mean honestly – how is anyone going to make me happy if I can’t make myself happy?

Anywho — though I’ve put the boyfriend search off for a few more months (or years) while I mold myself into the person I want to be, there are still times when I wish I could snap my fingers and have my own Brian Tee or Jason Segel show up. So, I’ve compiled a list of the times in which I really wish I had a man.

1.  When you’re getting hit on by a drunk in a bar.
You know the guy.  He comes up to you, words slurring and eyes not being able to focus on any one part of you.  He has lost his sense of a bubble so he and his face are practically an inch from yours, hand on your back, trying to talk you into going home with him and no matter how many times you tell him to shove it, he still stands there swaying back and forth telling you how beautiful you are.  It’s times like these I wish I had someone to either a) keep these people away or b) swoop in and tell them to kindly step off.

2. When you get asked out by someone and you don’t want to tell them the truth.
It’s just so much easier to say “sorry! I have a boyfriend but thaaaanks!”

3.When I see a couple walking down the street holding hands.
I don’t know why, but holding hands (to me) has to be the sweetest thing, ever.  When I see couples walking down the street hand in hand, I think, “awww! I want that!”. Then wish I was holding someone’s hand so we could play chicken walking down the street with the other couple — seeing who would break first.  (If my hypothetical boyfriend broke first, I’d kill him! We play to WIN!)

4. When I go to bed at night.
Sometimes while I’m piling all my blankets around me when I get into bed I think It wish I had arms around me instead.  I know, I’m getting too sappy.  I even feel like puking at myself right now.

5. When I want to dance to John Legend in my kitchen.
Come on now, how unsexy is that to do alone?! Or weird…

6. When I show up to a work event alone. Again.
Enough said.

7. When I want a massage after a crappy work day.
Somehow, having a pet walk on your back doesn’t have the same effect…

8. When I want to cook for someone.
Cooking for people makes my life, and it’s my true token of appreciation to those I care about.  A fed man makes me a happy girl.

9. On New Years Eve.
I’ve always maintained that New Years Eve is more worse for single people than Valentines Day.  I mean, you can always lock yourself in the house during Valentines Day or go out with your man-hating friends but on New Years Eve, everyone expects you to go out.  Having no one to kiss at midnight while the poly-amorous trio next to you makes out together? Depressing.

10. When your coworker gets a surprise delivery of flowers to the office.
Green with envy.  Seriously.

11. When you get tired of driving.
I mean, I love driving and all, but I’m sick of it.  When I take a road trip, I don’t want to drive anymore!  I want to ride passenger! I want to be able to look out the window and not road-rage and get stressed out by whatever/whoever is on the road.

There has to be many more that I’m not thinking of right now.  In fact I already have some more popping into my head but they’re either too embarrassing/sappy/ridiculous to say (as if the dancing in the kitchen one wasn’t).

Any of you out there have contributions that could be made to this list?  I’m I the only crazy person to make lists like these?

6 thoughts on “If I Was Your…Girlfriend.

  1. I don’t make lists per se, but I do notice those moments when they come around. For me, from a guy’s perspective…well, MY perspective (I’m a guy but I’m not sure I qualify as typical): 1) Kissing. Love it. Something you can’t do on your own, and best with the right person. (writing a blog on it right now) And nothing makes you feel quite so good as a good private makeout on the couch. 2) Someone sitting in your lap / resting their feet / head against you. I mean, I suppose I could expand that to cuddling, but it gives me piece of mind to have the one I loves’ presence there. 3) Fixing stuff for your lady. Oh man…nothing gives a man an ego boost like fixing something for you ladies. (again, a blog post coming)

    To be fair, you can always say that you have a boyfriend to get someone to stop hitting on you at a bar! He lives in Canada! People would believe that since you’re from Seattle, c’mon! It’s harder to pull off when you live in Jersey, trust me. Oh, and I completely agree about New Years Eve. WORST time to be single. It feels even worse because it’s a brand new year and it feels like nothing’s changed for you, you know? You want something in your life where you remind yourself…”Man…last year I didn’t even want to do this, and now look!”

    Also the “bed thing”…yeah it’s nauseating. But we all have moments like that. I wouldn’t look too far into it. 😉 Don’t stare at the abyss or you’ll find it’s staring back. Great post as always B!

    • I guess kissing is missed, too. To be completely candid, I have a FwB so I still get that, but you’re right about being with the right person. It’s infinitely times better with someone who can be good at it and someone you’re emotionally connected to. And random little kisses in public by boyfriends. Those are the best.

      I was going to put “fixing things” in my list but then I decided against it. It does go along with the driving thing though – just overall gender role thingies that make me comfortable/happy.

      And, FYI, I have lied and said I had a boyfriend, but it’s nicer when they’re there to say “back off” for me. The last time I got hit on by a drunk I told him I had a boyfriend and he said “drop the zero, get with a hero!”. I replied “He IS a hero!” and it just somehow made me feel more pathetic that I was talking about someone who didn’t exist and calling him a hero. heh

      Telling me to not look too far into it is like telling a turtle to survive without a shell. My last ex gave me so much crap about over-analyzing. But I suppose if I didn’t analyze I wouldn’t have so much to write about, would I? 😉

      Thanks for commenting, as always. 🙂

      • Haha! Well seriously, I’m not one to talk about over analyzing. Hell I do entire diatribes about my height, I can’t exactly tell other people “Hey, quit worrying!” Hi, how you doing? I’m Pot, this is Kettle and he’s black.

        I totally get where you’re coming from. The FwB thing is great to scratch that itch (so to speak), but it’s the difference between a McDonalds hamburger and a home cooked meal. It’s just not nourishing to the soul, and it certainly isn’t going to satisfy your long term cravings.

        Once, a long time ago, one of my good gay friends asked me to pretend to be his boyfriend at the bar I worked at because this dude would not leave him alone. So the next time he came over, I kissed my buddy right on the mouth. Hilarious to see the guy walk away, but simultaneously funny to see my friend completely dazed and flustered.

        “Don’t do that! My actual boyfriend’ll get jealous!” To which I replied “Well don’t put me on the spot like that and I won’t have to.”

        BTW, my main job during New Years outings with my lady friends is to act as the designated boyfriend. That is to say that my job is to keep all the girls together, and away from creepers. By the end of the night I need a drink just from all the close calls (potential fights), and blue balls. 😛

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