The Case of the Not-So- “Nice-Guy”.

The term “nice guy” is something I feel is thrown around all too often.  Girls tell their friends “He’s a really nice guy!”, guys tell their friends “Nice guys finish last!”,  Wong Fu asks “Are you a nice guy?”

The fact of the matter is, there is a difference between being a genuine nice guy, and being a “nice guy” — or what I like to call not-so-“nice-guy”.  Everyone knows him.  You might find him sitting alone at a bar, moping and whining to the bartender (or unfortunately, you) about how he doesn’t get why he can’t be loved.  Why women won’t love him.  He just can’t make anyone happy no matter how hard he tries.  How the guy she went off with wouldn’t treat her half as good as he would or did half the things for her. How he’s “just a nice guy”.

I’m here to equip women with the knowledge to seek and avoid NSNGs, and to let NSNGs know that whatever they’re doing is not helping their cause.  At all.

She’s Just Not That Into You.

Not-so-“nice guys” probably start out well-meaning.  They get to the age of dating, they have some fun and some success and then somewhere along the road they get rejected.  Then rejected again.  What sets NSNG’s apart from regular guys is that they may lack drive, confidence, and the ability to just get over it.

NSNG’s have a tendency to hone.  They focus on one person or situation.  They grab onto it and run.  They can’t let go.  They won’t let go.  They just won’t. let. go.

First, every girl that they fall for – they fall for *really* hard and *really* fast.  “No, seriously…this girl, she’s the one.  She was meant for me.  I want to be with her forever! I LOVE HER!”

Most girls think it’s nice to be put on a little pedestal, but these guys put us on a world stage.  They try so hard to let us know that they think we’re beautiful, perfect, amazing, etc.  I mean, we ARE and all, but as confident young women we know that no one should feel like they need to try so hard to convince us of that just to get a first date.  Remember that part about us being perfect?  Well, yeah.  That also means we’re not stupid.  A smart, well-adjusted guy wouldn’t go claiming all these things until they took time to get to know us, and we know it.  This is mistake #1, NSNGs.  Doing this will only attract girls that want you around to get an ego boost.  This does not mean they will date you.  Ever.  And unfortunately some opportunist women will keep you around just for that boost.  (and c’mon — we both know you’re going to use her keeping you around as ammo for all that you’ve done and you still not getting anywhere.)

Nice Guys Finish Last.

When getting us to go out with them (or on a second date) doesn’t work out, they try to guilt-trip.  “Yeah, I guess nice guys do finish last.  I guess my best wasn’t good enough. I’m going to be single forever.  If I can’t have you, then I don’t want anyone else.”

I don’t think anything makes my blood boil more than to see a sore loser in the dating game. No one wants to be forced, or guilt-tripped – but especially when it comes to dating.  The fact of the matter is, if you don’t cut it, you don’t cut it.  There’s no reason to be butt-hurt over it. Mistake #2 is laying guilt on us, whether you think it’s subtle or not. I promise will only make us even more uncomfortable around you.  Do you really want to force someone into dating you, anyway?  I’ve found most men and women figure out pretty quick whether or not they could see themselves with someone and once they’ve decided against something it’s 99% guaranteed it will not happen.  Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who wants to be with you?  Who is with you because they like you for who you are?  And don’t try to be someone you’re not to try to convince them! That brings me to mistake #3.

I’ll be…

Sometimes, when they’ve lost and they can’t, they can’t, they can’t stand losing (bad Police reference, I know) they try to reason with us women.  They want to fit themselves into any way, shape, or form to what they think we want in an attempt to win us over. They start to try to take up things we do, do whatever “nice” thing they can to get on our good side, and agree with everything we say.  Pawing their way into the mold they think we want.  We know you’re doing this for us. This will not work.  And besides, NSNGs — do you know how desperate and pathetic that makes you look?!  You’re basically saying that yourself – as you are – is not good enough for anyone because one girl doesn’t think you’re right for her.  You couldn’t scream “I don’t think highly of myself” any louder if you tried.  Do you think that’s sexy?  Attractive?  No. It’s not.  It’s definitely not.

Highway to the Desperate Zone.

After we’ve decided that we can’t stand the thought of being around you anymore because of the hole you’ve dug yourself being a sore loser/guilt-tripper/conformer, you’re off on your own. And instead of getting over it, you decide to emanate sadness and desperation to every girl thereafter.  Every girl has to hear you sad, soppy, sob-story about being “just a nice guy”.  Just because you haven’t done anything inherently wrong, doesn’t mean you are a “nice guy”.

NOBODY LOVES ME!

A true, honest-to-goodness nice guy does not pity himself.  He doesn’t point the blame at women for his misery.  He doesn’t say things like “I do everything and it’s just not good enough.”  He doesn’t feel that women should owe him something because he’s been rejected a few times.  A nice guy knows how to do nice things for a woman without being a slave to her. NSNGs — how do you think only thinking about yourself and what you’re not getting makes you in any way “nice”?  It’s called being self-absorbed and self-pitying and it’s not a good look.

Everybody Hurts.

I understand it’s a bummer to get rejected.  I understand it’s hard to pick yourself back up after it happening and I understand girls can be pretty rough. But nothing gets accomplished by sitting and stewing.  And the longer you stew about it the longer you reek the stench of desperation that women can smell from miles away.  Understand that at the end of the day, a girl is just a girl and there are plenty.  Understand that getting rejected just shows you it wasn’t meant to be with the person, but with someone else.  Understand that you have strengths and be confident some girl will love you for them – not ask you to change.  Take some hints and pointers on rejection from my Badass friend in the interim.  Do not let a few girls ruin your life.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and don’t ever let her see you sweat.

xoxo,

B.

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3 thoughts on “The Case of the Not-So- “Nice-Guy”.

  1. B, my luv, you got these guys pegged. NSNG’s has a very particular MO in terms of the “Won’t Let Go” thing. The expression “give an inch, they take a mile” was invented for these people. They see any kind of kindness or even attention (good or bad) as a sign of interest and glom onto it like a barnacle on your boat. As I used to say to the NSNG’s who whined for 3 hours at my bar: *sing* Cry me a riiiiver…then build a bridge, and then GET THE F$%K OVER IT. These guys drive me nuts and give the rest of the Nice Guy’s a bad rep. Great post as always, B and thanks for the shoutout!

    • Thank you, and no problem!

      I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, and then after having an exchange with the main NSNG of my life last weekend, I figured it was time.

      You’re so right about the attention (good or bad) and even I am still learning that. This particular NSNG has seen everything from subtle to blatant hints to subtle and blatant remarks (ie. spelling N-O.) from me and still attempts to try something every time I see him. Last weekend I was the most blatant and frankly, rude that I have ever been yet I know nothing will change. I’ve learned I just need to leave every time I see this person because I’m sick of them taking their long, sad, pathetic mile without any regard to how uncomfortable it makes me.

      Rawr.

      • Yeah, it’s unfortunate, but with some of those NSNG’s, the only thing you can do is take yourself out of the equation. I think intellectually, he gets it. But denial is so strong in these guys that it’s nigh on impossible for you to get a word in edgewise. I think for him, the next step may be a good swift Badass kick to the head.

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