You’re So Ugly When You Cry!
I have a memory of being 17 and chatting with two coworkers while we worked about crying. One of them said that when he was little and would start crying, his mom would say “don’t cry!….” and then both coworkers, in unison, finished with “You’re so ugly when you cry!”
According to them, it’s apparently a Filipino/Asian parent thing but all I could keep thinking was “Their parents probably saw me cry.”
Now, I’m not a stone, but I’m not a constant crier, either. Usually if I get the urge to cry, I’ll distance myself from it somehow. Whether distancing myself takes me thinking of the dancing gerbils from the Kia commercials or Madonna getting pied in the face – I usually try to do so to risk the utter embarrassment of my “cry face”.
And of course, there are times when you just have to let it out and in these times, I hope to hell I’m able to quarantine myself for however long it takes.
It’s brutal. First, I’m jealous of those people who can cry without so much as a pink hue in their eyes. It’s like the minute my eyes start tearing up, red floods through my eye whites like pig’s blood over Carrie’s prom dress. It’s impossible for me to cover up that I’ve even shed a few, painless tears. Second, the area around my eyes become just as red, almost as fast, even when I don’t brush the tears away.
Then, when I really get going, I get that disgusting open-frown-grimace face that just turns into a gawk the harder I cry. The gawk manifests itself into lower-lip inhaling that creates a sound not too distant from a dying seal pup bark.
Then comes the mucus. Yeah, it’s gross but this was the crying hand I was dealt. I’m a grade – A mucus manufacturer. Mouth and nose are like Niagra. Add that to the lip inhaling seal bark and you’ve got trouble.
Another problem is when I really truly cry like this, I can’t stop. By the time I get to the bathroom for my fifth round of tissues, my face is as blotchy as a pepperoni pizza, my eyes look demonic and my nose is blown raw. Trust me folks, this sight only makes me want to cry more. Red eyes, blotchy face, seal bark in, wimper out, and sniff. Sniff a lot. Try to sniff up as much of that shit as you can. That’s me.
It seriously is a lot of work to get me back to a normalized state after really crying, so it’s in my best (lazy) interest to not have to worry about it. It can take hours (sometimes days!) for my eyes to de-puff, too.
I hope some of you out there are ugly criers like me. We could start an ugly criers group. If any of you ugly criers have tips on how to make it look less like I’ve come down with some rare disease that would be great, too.
What are your cry faces like?